 Choice is not actually a drug, but it's similar. Choice is something most people crave and there are reasons we place such a high value on it in our culture. Choice allows for exploration of new alternatives and it offers us a chance at variety in our lives. Our children need the freedom of choice as much as we do; they just aren't always ready for the consequences of making poor choices.
For this reason some parents prefer not to offer choices to their kids; it's just seems safer that way. This approach assumes father (& mother) knows best – which they often do –so "Just wear what I tell you, do your homework when I say to, practice when I tell you, work on the things I list for you, say 'I love you' and go to bed when I say so, and everything will turn out fine – or at least the way I want it to."
On the surface this seems like a good strategy for avoiding rookie mistakes in judgment and insuring positive results. When children are very young and very compliant, this strategy appears to work and it's tempting to think this kind of management (read: control) is going to pay big dividends. "They can learn to make choices when they're older" is the theory.
However the psychology of control and the psychology of choice produce different fruits. Consider the motivation difference behind these two mindsets.
| Performance Required | Performance Inspired |
|---|
| I must wear something appropriate; | I choose to wear something appropriate; |
| I must do my homework; | I choose to do my homework; |
| I have to go to practice; | I want to go to practice; |
| I gotta work on my conditioning; | I choose to work on my conditioning; |
| I'm supposed to say 'I love you' | "Dad, I love you" |
Which statements would you prefer to hear from your teenage son or daughter? It's so tempting to assume that if we tell our children what to do they will become successful adults and model citizens. But there's a huge body of research that suggests this approach is the fast track to teenage resentment, not trust; compliance, not commitment; and dependence, not independence. What is it that makes love from someone so special? Answer: It's always a choice; it cannot be coerced, forced, or controlled from the outside.
The remedy is not to give our children complete control and unlimited choices, but rather a variety of acceptable choices within the boundaries of your family values and what keeps them safe from serious harm. The most powerful thing about allowing choice is the message of trust it sends to children. There will be mistakes and some negative consequences with this approach. However the lessons learned in the kiddie pool of life will save them later when they're in the deep end. There will be times when you can let it be known that you do not support a choice, even though you'll allow it.
Whether it's in sports, school, or a child's social life, the opportunity is there for us to be the kind of courageous parents that teach without preaching, exemplify without demanding, explain without complaining, and nurture without controlling. If your ultimate goal is the closest possible relationship with your child over the long haul, focus the lessons on how to choose wisely, rather than on what to do blindly. The choice is yours!
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Established in 1973 as a gymnastics school the Iowa Gym-Nest has become a full service sports facility for Gymnastics, Taekwon-Do, Power Tumbling, Cheerleading, Wrestling, CrossFit Gymnastics, Sports & Adventure Camps, Youth Fitness and Play Groups. Their gymnastics programs begin with children 12 months of age and include programs for all ability levels, from those with special needs to those with exceptional ability.
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